


When Darcy Met Balrog

by TaleasOldasTimeandSpace



Series: Yet Another Gratuitously Fluffy Darcyland Soulmate AU [12]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Balrog the Bilgesnipe, Except for Loki, Gen, Origin Story, as promised, asgard is horrified, baby balrog is adorable, he thinks it's hilarious, mama darcy is protective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2016-08-17
Packaged: 2018-08-09 10:08:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7797664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaleasOldasTimeandSpace/pseuds/TaleasOldasTimeandSpace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darcy takes a walk in the woods and finds more than she expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When Darcy Met Balrog

**Author's Note:**

> We interrupt our regularly scheduled soulmate fic to bring you Balrog's origin story.  
> Enjoy, my little bilgesnipes!

The best thing about Asgard, Darcy decided as she trailed Jane and Thor through the halls of the palace, was the scenery.

 _And the architecture and landscape aren’t half bad either_ , she thought with a grin as she passed yet another cute guard.  Honestly, the people here could give the Avengers a run for their money in the ridiculously attractive department.  She wasn’t sure what she’d done to deserve being surrounded by beautiful people all the time, but she certainly wasn’t complaining.  It gave her something to look at while Jane was doing Science!.  Between the pretty and the fact that she was on an _actual alien planet,_ this trip would be anything but boring.

* * *

 

She was reevaluating that opinion several hours later.  Jane looked like she was attempting to build a fort out of all the books with which she’d surrounded herself.  She scribbled furiously in her notebooks, muttering under her breath.  When Darcy had attempted to get her to take a break, she hissed.  Hissed!  Darcy wouldn’t be surprised if she started talking about fish and nasty hobbits.

Even worse, there was a depressing lack of…scenery in the library.  The library itself was incredibly cool, full of soaring ceilings, stained glass, dark wood, spiral staircases, really, it was the mother—allfather?—of cool libraries.  She could have been just as happy as Jane to be there.  The only problem was that she couldn’t actually read any of the books.  Sure, Thor had taught Jane to read the Asgardian runes, but nobody thought Darcy might be interested in a little off-world reading material.

Much as he loved watching Jane Science!, Thor had been called away a couple of hours ago to hit things—or possibly people, it wasn’t clear—with his hammer.  Darcy was starting to contemplate picking a likely spot on the floor and seeing if she could tunnel her way into some catacombs.  Was that a thing everywhere, or just in Venice?  On second thought, she really didn’t want to find out what passed for rats on Asgard.  So much for her dreams of Indiana Jones glory.

The library floor was saved by the appearance of Fandral.  Not only was he cute, he had excellent timing.  ‘Ah, my lady Darcy!  Thor told me I might find you here with the lady Jane.’

‘Yup, he told you right.  I wouldn’t get too close to Jane right now, though.  She’s prone to biting if you interrupt her research.’

Jane’s head briefly popped up from behind the stack of books like an irate prairie dog.  ‘I heard that!’

‘Get back to work, woman!  That Rosencrantz and Guildenstern bridge ain’t gonna research itself!’

‘ _Einstein-Rosen_ bridge!  I thought I taught you better, Darcy!”

Darcy grinned at Fandral, who was looking between her and Jane’s book fort uncertainly.  ‘I know what it’s called, I just like to give her a hard time.’

He laughed.  ‘Truly, you are a lady after my own heart!’

She shrugged.  ‘I try.  Now, what’s up?  Have you come to experience the thrilling, edge-of-your-seat drama that is research?’  She emphasized _research_ with jazz hands.  ‘Never a dull moment around here, let me tell you.’  Checking to see that Jane had retreated behind her wall of books, she mouthed _run!  Save yourself!_

‘Actually, I came to see if I may steal you away, that I might show you the wonders of Asgard.’  He swirled his cape and bowed, looking up at her with a grin and a wink.

‘Oh, thank Mew-mew!’  Darcy jumped up and grabbed his arm.  ‘Jane, Fandral and I are running away together to overthrow the government.  Don’t blow anything up while I’m gone!’

Jane’s hand waved distractedly above the books, but otherwise didn’t acknowledge Darcy.

‘C’mon, Fandral.  Let’s blow this popsicle stand.’

He quirked an eyebrow.  ‘Is that an establishment where one might procure pop tarts?  Thor has told me of the wondrous delicacies of Midgard.’

‘Not exactly.  A pop tart is a jam-filled pastry, and a popsicle is frozen juice.  Tell you what—next time you come to Earth, I’ll get you one of each and you can tell me which you like better.’

‘I shall hold you to that offer.  I am quite flattered, as well.  As I am sure you know, an offer of food is considered an invitation to courtship in Asgardian culture.’

Darcy eyed him suspiciously.  ‘Seriously?’

He winked.  ‘No.’

She patted his arm.  ‘Fandral, my man, we’re going to get along just fine.’

As Fandral showed her the sights, they took turns swapping embarrassing stories about Thor.  Darcy looked forward to finding out exactly what they would net her when used as blackmail back home.

They were walking in the woods just outside the city complex when Darcy heard a high, keening cry.  She turned to Fandral to ask if he knew what it was, only to see him frozen, one hand on the hilt of his sword.

‘What’s wrong?  Is someone hurt?’  The wailing continued, and it sounded heartbroken.

‘My lady, you must return to the palace immediately.’

‘Wait, what?  What’s going on?’

He drew his sword, pushing her behind him.  ‘My lady, please.  I fear there is a fell beast in these woods, and I would prevent your injury if I can.’

Darcy planted her feet.  ‘Nuh-uh.  If there is a “fell beast,” we either both go back or I stay with you and your sword.  I’m not about to get eaten within sight of civilization, and two against one are always better odds.  Besides, I’ve got Palpatine.’

He frowned, momentarily distracted.  ‘What is Palpatine?’

‘My taser.  Sort of like Mew-mew’s younger cousin.’  She could tell he wanted to argue, so she concentrated on looking stubborn.  She had a lot of experience looking stubborn.  Jane gave her many and varied opportunities to practice.

He sighed.  ‘Very well.  But you must be vigilant, and follow my directions to the letter.  Understood?’  The carefree flirt she’d spent the day with had all but disappeared, and she suddenly understood just why he was known as one of the Warriors Three.

‘Completely.’  She was tempted to Pinkie Promise— _cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye_ —but for once, she listened to her better judgement.  Any attempt at levity would get her sent straight back to the palace, taser or no taser.

Fandral shrugged his cape behind his shoulders with a flourish and drew his sword.  Darcy smirked.  The man knew how to work a cape, and obviously he subscribed to her philosophy of combat, learned at the feet of the Black Widow—there’s no reason you can’t look good when beating people up.

Darcy pulled Palpatine from the holster on her belt and followed Fandral deeper into the forest.  The wailing had died away into a whimper, almost too quiet to hear.  They trailed the whimpering to a small clearing, which looked like it had seen battle recently.  The underbrush was uprooted, and there were long furrows carved into the ground and the surrounding trees.  There was a trail of wreckage leading off into the woods.  Fandral pressed on, but Darcy’s attention was caught by a small lump to the side of the clearing.

The lump was crying.

She approached it cautiously, taser at the ready to zap it if the need arose.  The creature was the size of a housecat, with long, spindly limbs that ended in oversized claws.  A slender, spiked tail curled around its thick body, and on its broad head, just above its pointed ears, were small, velvety nubs that looked like they would grow into antlers when the creature was older.  It was covered in scales like a lizard, or maybe a dragon, since that was probably a thing around here.  They were mostly dark green, but its back was dappled with bronze and they faded to silver on its belly and around its face.

Darcy knelt beside it, and its large eyes shot open and locked on her.  They were golden and wide with fear.  It opened its mouth and let out a half-hearted growl, showing off gleaming, sharp teeth.  She held out a hand for it to sniff—hey, it worked with dogs—but kept the taser up, just in case.  ‘Hey there.  It’s alright, I’m not gonna hurt you.’

It eyed her dubiously, one brow ridge going up as if to say, _you expect me to buy that?_   But it stretched out its neck and with surprising delicacy sniffed at her fingers.  Whatever it smelled must have met with its approval, because it butted its head against her hand like a cat begging for attention.  She grinned and scratched the soft scales between its ears and antler nubs, and it began to make a deep, rumbling noise in its chest.  ‘Are you purring?  That’s adorable!’

‘I found the bodies of a troll and two bilgesnipes not far from here.  I believe they did battle and—My lady Darcy!  Stand back from that beast at once!’

Darcy jumped at Fandral’s shout, hand dropping away from the creature’s head.  It hissed at Fandral and caught her arm with its front claws, trying to draw her hand back to the important business of scratching.  ‘Whoa, dude, chill!  He’s—’ she paused, looking to the creature for conformation.  ‘He?’  He grunted.  ‘Good enough.  He’s not hurting me, see?  He just wants to be petted.’

‘Do you not know what that is?’ Fandral demanded, brandishing his sword.

‘Hey, I can barely identify earth critters, let alone Asgardian one.  All I know is he’s alone, he’s not hurting me, and he’s really cute.’

‘ _Cute?_   Darcy, that is a bilgesnipe!  They are among the most fearsome beasts in the nine realms!  It would as soon bite your hand off as let you pet it.’

Darcy eyed the bilgesnipe, who stared back.  His claws were still around her arm, but he didn’t seem inclined to try to eat her.  ‘Are you going to start nibbling on me?’  He grinned and rubbed his head against her hand again.  ‘I think we’re cool,’ she told Fandral.

‘You must allow me to dispatch it before it can harm you or anyone else.’

‘You want to kill him?  No!’  She holstered Palpatine and scooped the bilgesnipe into her arms.  He seemed quite content to nestle against her chest, and she could have sworn he looked smug.  ‘I’m not going to let you do that.  For crying out loud, he’s just a baby!’

‘But Darcy—’

‘No!  I’ll take him back to earth and raise him there, if he’s so scary to you, but I’m not going to stand by and watch you kill him!’

Fandral sighed, but sheathed his sword.  ‘Do you truly think the Allfather will let you take a bilgesnipe with you to Midgard?’

Darcy shrugged and got to her feet, cradling the bilgesnipe.  ‘Only one way to find out.’  She grinned.  ‘Take me to your leader.’

* * *

 

‘You cannot be serious!’

Odin raised an eyebrow at Thor’s outburst.  ‘You question my judgement?  Might I remind you that you refused the rule of Asgard when I offered it?’

Thor waved a hand at Darcy, who still held the bilgesnipe.  ‘But to allow her to unleash that—that _thing_ on Midgard!  It will slaughter thousands before it is full grown!’

‘Hey!’ Darcy squawked indignantly, covering the bilgesnipe’s ears.  ‘He’s a sensitive little guy.  You’ll hurt his feelings.’  The bilgesnipe, who had been dozing since Darcy and Fandral returned from the forest, yawned widely.  ‘Knock that off, pal,’ she muttered, smacking him lightly between the antler nubs.  ‘They don’t need to see your teeth.’  The bilgesnipe made a weird chuffing noise and shut his mouth, but she could see a small smile.  Just how intelligent were bilgesnipes supposed to be, anyway?

Odin smiled briefly at her before turning his attention back to Thor.  ‘Your concern for the wellbeing of Midgard does you credit, my son.  But please, can you not trust that my concern is just as great?’  Thor opened his mouth, but Odin held up a hand.  ‘Enough.  Am I not the Allfather?  If I say that Darcy Lewis may have the bilgesnipe, then the bilgesnipe she shall have.’

Turning to Darcy, he added, ‘I look forward to hearing tales of your adventures, Miss Lewis.’

She blinked.  ‘Well, um, thank you!  I’ll be sure to keep you posted.’

Odin nodded regally, and Darcy sensed they’d been dismissed.  As she and Jane trotted after Thor, who was stalking majestically out of the throne room, she leaned toward Jane and whispered, ‘Why do I feel like Bilbo Baggins after Gandalf says that an adventure would be “very good for you, and most amusing for me?”’

Jane laughed at her Ian McKellen impersonation.  ‘You’re just paranoid.  Be happy you caught him in a good mood.’

‘I was going to mention that.  I thought he was going to be nasty about it, from what you told me about him.  But I got less of an intergalactic tyrant vibe and more of a creepy uncle vibe.  What’s up with that?’

Jane shrugged.  ‘How should I know?  The only other time I met the guy, he was willing to let me die rather than mess with the powers that be.  Maybe Loki’s death mellowed him.  Anyway, I’m more concerned about how you expect to care for a bilgesnipe.  You can’t even keep a cactus alive.’

‘I keep _you_ alive, don’t I?’

Jane elbowed her, jostling the bilgesnipe.  ‘So have you thought about a name for him?’

‘Well, all this talk of fell beasts and adventures have put me in a bit of a Tolkien mood.  So how about…Balrog?’

* * *

 

Loki waited until the throne room was empty before letting the glamour drop.  Although he enjoyed ruling Asgard, and was far better at it than he expected, things had been too quiet for his liking recently.  For a mortal, Darcy Lewis was quite entertaining, and he looked forward to seeing what kind of havoc she and her bilgesnipe would wreak on Midgard and among the Avengers.

At the very least, it annoyed Thor.  That alone was worth the risk to his deception.  Yes, he looked forward to watching the adventures of Darcy and Balrog.

**Author's Note:**

> Darcy is a troll. Balrog is a troll. Loki is a troll. They're all trolls. If they ever join forces, the world doesn't stand a chance.  
> And now I wonder how Steve and Loki would get along when Loki's not trying to kill anybody. The thought is frightening.
> 
> [Selene_Aduial](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Selene_Aduial/pseuds/Selene_Aduial) pointed out in the comments on Must Love...Dog...? that Loki is posing as Odin, which I keep forgetting. But it makes more sense for Loki to give Darcy Balrog than it does for Odin, so I ran with it. Thanks for the idea!
> 
> I'm cross-posting this on my soulmate series so y'all can find it, but future Darcy/Balrog adventures will be in their own series.
> 
> As always, you can leave prompts in the comments below, or [shoot the breeze](https://taleasoldastime-andspace.tumblr.com/ask) on tumblr. No smut or slash, please and thanks.
> 
> Namarie, my little bilgesnipes!


End file.
